I am consistently hiding who I truly am and if I could have a cloak of invisibility to cast over the person I am inside then I would and I wouldn’t think twice. I hardly show the pain that I feel I have in my life, I decide despite the flaws and despite the pain I walk on because I truly can’t crumble. I have people that rely on me I have people that believe in me and that care about me and want to see me become a better person within a society that has failed me greatly. I don’t quite understand the fascination with being a ‘good’ person and why so many people put emphasis on this and then walk in the other direction. Wait…did I say walk, I meant sprint in the other direction.
I honestly don’t really know who I am I have never sat down and made a check list going ‘okay I’m this but I’m not that.’ because for me to do that would be admitting all the bad things I probably am along with the good things as well. I have maybe a few people if that who know me for how I know myself now. Though my perception of myself will change throughout my life there are always people I will keep up to speed and people I will fake a personality for.
I get away with it though, even though the real me is pulling the string on the puppet of a personality most people see, most of them like the puppet. I don’t own any scissors in my mind because of it, why cut the string and take away something that people actually like? It’s not because I enjoy being liked, I am truly a very introverted, never been much for parties or big groups of people and when I do end up in those situation I become a great puppet master.
I have been told that I should look into seeing a therapist by some people, and I never understood why some people would take this as an insult. Okay maybe I do understand but in reality we all have problem and everyone in the world would probably benefit from a little bit of therapy. Talk someones ear off that has to just sit there and listen and do nothing more (other than take your money.). Sometimes it’s hard though to talk to people you know because they most of the time are biased in the field. Though it isn’t our fault we grew up in world where family means so much. ‘Blood is thicker than water.’ that is a saying that we have been plagued.
When you’re hiding who you are though, blood and water seem like the same thing.