My neighborhood is so dark, I come to this realization every once in awhile because I forget how dark it is every time the sun comes up to illuminate it. I walk outside some nights and the sound of crickets in the distance pleases me and some days I feel at peace with everything. I look up at the sky unpolluted by light and see all the stars that I was unable to see in the other places I have lived. I walk down the roads in the darkened world unaware of the possibilities of harm I have started to walk into. I end up at the park a lot, a lonely swing set seems to be the only thing there. Though over the hill there is a soccer field, it’s actually nice to lay in and look up at the stars.
Perfect places to think about anything and everything, snapping into your brain though patterns that seem to go for miles and miles on trains that never end. Why do I have a blog? I don’t exactly know, right now I have fifty nine people following this blog and I appreciate every single one. I have it because I enjoy writing and it helps me think and helps me share the ideas that I have. What is it about? I don’t know, It’s not random because every post I make has a reason behind it, I think I do it just to find out who I am actually.
Who am I? That’s a question that I think I’ve asked myself plenty of times and as close as I am to some people within my life, I don’t believe anyone truly knows me. Am I good, bad, selfish, selfless, a cheater, a fighter, a peacekeeper, I ask this because I don’t know who I am. Sounds slightly terrible and maybe a little psychotic, but it’s true I honestly some days have no idea who I am. I mean yes I look in the mirror and see it’s me and I am Wesley, but beyond that looking past the reflection who is this person staring at me.
If talking to oneself wasn’t seen as weird to the rest of society I think I would do it all the time, and not in some narcissistic way but in a way to better understand myself. I’m trapped in my head with voices after voices of the same person and that person being me. It amazes me that my head is able to keep all the thoughts that I have in my head without exploding.
I guess with all of that stuff in my head maybe that’s why I like to sit outside at night, maybe that’s why I look up at the stars while sitting on the damp grass. It’s because it seems like every time I do I understand who I am just a little bit more.