This didn’t come to me miraculously, it wasn’t like some kind of surprise party and I was the unlucky sap that was getting scared. No, this was more of a UPS delivery, the guy came by when I wasn’t home and just left it on my front porch. Sure I saw it when I finally pulled into the drive way, but the package was too big, too real, for me to actually take it.
I’ve known it for quite sometime but I didn’t want to accept it, I wanted to elaborate on a topic that I briefly touched base on. Everything about the life I was living said that I belonged, every person I talked with and interacted with had a common objective. To escape reality into a fake universe with fake people, but hell if you put enough thought into maybe it’ll become real. Maybe it’ll let you stay and you’ll never have to go to real world again.
That isn’t healthy though, for myself nor the people around me. No matter how much that place says that you belong, sometimes it’s best to step away. With me stepping away though, it cuts out all the people that I once saw as friends, it solidifies the loneliness I feel. Makes it real, causes me to go out and grab that package and bring it inside. That’s terrifying.
I haven’t been just sitting on my ass though, I have gone out to different places. Mostly I have gone to a Barnes and Noble that is near my house, it’s fun to just sit there and pretend to be a part of society. Quietly reading a book or typing on the computer as I am now, and watching as people walk in and out of your life without even noticing.
There was this girl, as I walked around the store I found myself in the philosophy section. Not sure exactly what I was looking for, maybe a philosophy on happiness or a way to escape the feeling of being alone. As I walked through the isles of the section she was just sitting there, books all around her.
She was reading one intently, and I wanted to go and say hi or at least say something at least. I wanted to sit next to her and greet her politely, ask her about the stuff she was reading. Figure out if she was actually interested in that type of stuff or if it was a project. I wanted to get to know her for some reason, and this all came from a glance. A brief moment of a couple seconds before I saw her get up and leave.
My mind had no cohesion, I couldn’t even speak, my mind had plenty of words to say but that message didn’t make it outwards. It is fairly interesting though, we allow moments like that to slip on through because why? Fear of rejection, humiliation, or maybe of something that could possibly change our lives.
I spent so much time behind a screen talking to people through it, that I lost an opportunity to make friends in real life. To meet people that could make my life better, that could change how I feel. Instead I focused on people that hardly cared about me as much as I did of them.
I’m lonely, but it wont stay that way.