You can imagine my surprise when people meet me and think that I have my life figured out, that I’m always happy. There’s a facade around myself I suppose, an enigma, I guess you could say. It’s shown to my regulars at a coffee shop that I work at, a bright smile plastered a crossed my face every time I see them. That’s the job though, if I didn’t you wouldn’t give me a tip, I’m not going to lie. I can sometimes fool friends and family, luckily my friends are usually inebriated in one way or another, rather clever when their sober. Though usually I can use a laser pointer in a sense to distract them. Family is much more difficult, I have my moments where it’s impossible, and others where I am actually happy. Though the two sometimes look the same, it’s hard to tell depending on the day.
The problems that I have I’ve never really explored in any deep way, a way to see just how far the roots go. I always thought that I had ADD, though I still believe I have it, I’ve never been properly tested. Same goes for depression, though that one I realized when I was eighteen. I have no real proof that I have any of this, probably because figuring out if I do or don’t is a bit daunting. If I found out I did have them, then well crap…that’s nothing to cheer over, it’s a sad moment. Though if I found out that I didn’t, then am I just lazy? unmotivated? uncaring? an asshole?
I’m an optimist, I like the idea of meeting people and conversing randomly with stranger and making good friends daily. I have a crippling shyness though, god it’s awful, and I’m also a much better introvert. I am much better writing in my room or reading a book at a coffee shop. I’m much better at spending time with myself than really anyone else, and I mean anyone. I rarely talk to people I care about, I’m terrible at keeping up with what is going on in their life. If there comes a time where I have talked to you multiple times in a week, then dammit I’m trying. I may suck at it, but I’m still trying.
I’ve lost friends because of this, and not just one or two, but I’ve lost whole groups of friends due to this situation. That gets very lonely, very fast, it’s a main reason I’ve wanted to get a dog for quite sometime, it’ll have to love me. I’ve lost two relationships due to collapsing in on myself, and I feel this happens to a lot of people, and if not well then…crap
When you feel your relationship is just going off on such a good stride that you start panicking and looking for what will ruin it. By doing that though you actually become the time bomb you’ve been searching for. At some point it’s too late to stop being a dumb ass, just enjoy the big bang that the relationship will end on.
So far in my twenty one years of living I’ve gotten a minimal done in the sense of finding myself, in figuring out who Wesley is. That sucks one hundred percent of the time, because this right here is a part of me. Yesterday was another and tomorrow will be another, but their all different in some feeling or sense. A few days ago I toyed with the idea of changing my blogs name, but that doesn’t seem realistic, it seems I’ll always be Nearlywes.
This was all part of Linda G Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday
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