The Roots Dig Deep – SOCS

socs-badge-2015

You can imagine my surprise when people meet me and think that I have my life figured out, that I’m always happy. There’s a facade around myself I suppose, an enigma, I guess you could say. It’s shown to my regulars at a coffee shop that I work at, a bright smile plastered a crossed my face every time I see them. That’s the job though, if I didn’t you wouldn’t give me a tip, I’m not going to lie. I can sometimes fool friends and family, luckily my friends are usually inebriated in one way or another, rather clever when their sober. Though usually I can use a laser pointer in a sense to distract them. Family is much more difficult, I have my moments where it’s impossible, and others where I am actually happy. Though the two sometimes look the same, it’s hard to tell depending on the day.

The problems that I have I’ve never really explored in any deep way, a way to see just how far the roots go. I always thought that I had ADD, though I still believe I have it, I’ve never been properly tested. Same goes for depression, though that one I realized when I was eighteen. I have no real proof that I have any of this, probably because figuring out if I do or don’t is a bit daunting. If I found out I did have them, then well crap…that’s nothing to cheer over, it’s a sad moment. Though if I found out that I didn’t, then am I just lazy? unmotivated? uncaring? an asshole?

I’m an optimist, I like the idea of meeting people and conversing randomly with stranger and making good friends daily. I have a crippling shyness though, god it’s awful, and I’m also a much better introvert. I am much better writing in my room or reading a book at a coffee shop. I’m much better at spending time with myself than really anyone else, and I mean anyone. I rarely talk to people I care about, I’m terrible at keeping up with what is going on in their life. If there comes a time where I have talked to you multiple times in a week, then dammit I’m trying. I may suck at it, but I’m still trying.

I’ve lost friends because of this, and not just one or two, but I’ve lost whole groups of friends due to this situation. That gets very lonely, very fast, it’s a main reason I’ve wanted to get a dog for quite sometime, it’ll have to love me. I’ve lost two relationships due to collapsing in on myself, and I feel this happens to a lot of people, and if not well then…crap

When you feel your relationship is just going off on such a good stride that you start panicking and looking for what will ruin it. By doing that though you actually become the time bomb you’ve been searching for. At some point it’s too late to stop being a dumb ass, just enjoy the big bang that the relationship will end on.

So far in my twenty one years of living I’ve gotten a minimal done in the sense of finding myself, in figuring out who Wesley is. That sucks one hundred percent of the time, because this right here is a part of me. Yesterday was another and tomorrow will be another, but their all different in some feeling or sense. A few days ago I toyed with the idea of changing my blogs name, but that doesn’t seem realistic, it seems I’ll always be Nearlywes.

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This was all part of Linda G Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday

If you would like to participate then go ahead and click on the link provided we would love to see what you have to say.

11 thoughts on “The Roots Dig Deep – SOCS

  1. Great take on the prompt Wes and I think your blog title is very appropriate in that you say you are searching for the real you and like so many of us you may spend your whole life looking because along the way you’ll discover aspects of yourself you didn’t know you possessed.

    • Thank you so much, I enjoy the title of the blog as well, it suites me I believe. I know what you’re talking about in the sense of finding new aspects of ones self along the way. I usually always saw it as a two way mirror in a sense, each replica of yourself is a different version of you. Like I’m not the same person I was ten, five, or even two years ago. When you line them up though you see that they all share the same face and body. I take comfort in the fact that everything has to have an ending, so when I notice myself changing I don’t get anxiety I feel content. It sucks though when you find yourself growing away from the people you’ve come to call friends sometimes.

  2. You’re only 21. At 21, I was extremely shy, too – I would go to parties with my “friends” but I was always the one standing in the corner waiting for someone, anyone to talk to her. I’m still not an extrovert, but I have my family and can hold my own in a social situation (although I still feel somewhat uncomfortable trying to start a conversation). You’ll be fine, Wes – perhaps in the not too far future you’ll be able to change your blog name to “Finally Wes.” For now, “Nearly Wes” is perfect – and it certainly grabs a reader’s attention (“Who is this Wes and what does ‘nearly’ mean?”). Just hang in there.

    • Giving me some good ideas, ‘Finally Wes’ has a nice ring to it. I’m glad you enjoy the name of the blog it all started as an experiment and became a part of me. I know what you mean though, I was never really a party person myself. I hadn’t had the friends that took me out of my comfort zone, I somehow met and befriended people that were also content sitting in their own personal bubbles. Though I had found myself at a party or two and have found that drinking and showing off my ‘Flip Cup’ skills is a decent ice breaker to start a conversation. God knows why, It’s a whole different world from what I am used to.

  3. As I watch my 22 year old daughter struggle, and now read your post, I remember how hard my early twenties were for me. There were definitely good time, but plenty of confusion. You are working on yourself. That’s great! Keep working to develop those skills you know you want for better relationships. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Diagnosis of ADD and depression are not exact sciences. But if you think you might benefit from counseling, give it a try. I believe I have a little ADD and some anxiety, but people say I’m so calm and laid back. It reminds me of your smile. Thanks for being real here on your blog. I like the name too.

    • Yea I believe truly that everyone could benefit in one way or another from some concealing, It’s good to talk to someone who is a stranger about real things. It takes out the whole ‘biased’ argument you have with friends and family. It’s good for me to know I’m not the only one in this rocky boat we call life.

  4. This is definitely Stream of Consciousness and I like that you stuck with that format. Nearly Wes is a great name for the blog. You may find out that you will always be growing even as you get much older. ADD is not a tragedy and there are so many very, very creative and successful people who also happen to have ADD. You may very well be an Introvert which is ok too. I have written some posts on both these subjects that may be a small resource for you.

    • I’ll have to take a look at it, I know it isn’t a game ender for me, but it does make doing the things I want a bit more difficult. Like I’ve spent two years developing an idea for a novel, because I want to truly be a writer, but sitting down and banging out more than a couple pages at a time is strenuous. But again that could be laziness as well which is worse.

  5. Great article Wes. I may just be your mom, but I find you truly amazing. Yes you have had your ups and downs just like everyone and I do agree talking to someone is a great option. I know that when I saw you this past weekend there was a sparkle in your eye, you seemed in a great place. Now maybe you were just putting on a front for “dear old mom” but like you said family can see through it, most of the time. I love you my only son and I will forever be here for you.

  6. Pingback: GET OFF MY CAR!!! *Never leaving the house again* | NearlyWes

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