We have a lot of moments in life that are simply still?
I go through a lot of them, and it’s almost as if the world were one big labyrinth and I for the life of me, can’t get out. One decision leads to another dead end and then another dead end. I make progress don’t get me wrong, but somewhere along that progress I end up deteriorating. Like somehow I psyched myself out of such a thing as an exit of said labyrinth, or finding my footing on bettering my life.
You see I was driving along this path and the speed limit was not specified so I began to go as fast as I could. Now a simple car has it’s limits and we all know this but sometimes you want to push the boundaries. Color outside the lines, think outside the box, or even get out of a maze. Though even if you go as fast as you possibly can it doesn’t guarantee you’ll get to your destination. Especially when it’s unknown.
Time seems to show a way out eventually and it seems to have worked in the many still moments within my life. I thought of this as I spoke with my father in the car driving to get my sister from work. One of the major still moments I had within my life was when I left high school, when everything changed. I didn’t know where to go or who to even talk to, I was lost. I believe at that moment was when I enter the labyrinth.
Almost everyday since that I have waited for something to call to me, something to help me find the answer. It’s here where I wished I had the commitment to become faithful, I believe my lack of commitment is a main reason I don’t participate in religion. I wish I could believe that god had a plan for me, but as I make my way to and from my mediocre job everyday, I find it hard to believe.
It’s only recently that I’ve accepted the fact that this labyrinth isn’t gigantic, it isn’t the size of earth. It isn’t even the size of this house in which I reside in at this very moment. No, the labyrinth is me, and the only way I can find an exit is if I believe that one exists.
How do you escape this labyrinth?
I honestly don’t know, in a way that’s terrifying and also exciting. Nothing is ever too late though, there is never truly a point of no return. Of course there are times when some things should end, but it should also be when new things begin.
It’s funny because this entire thing was seeded within my mind by a conversation I held with my father. It gained it’s nutrients to grow from another source entirely, and this source wasn’t exactly a nice one. Working within customer service I meet my fair share of rude people, ugly personalities, and just the scum that reside on this planet. I recently had a customer start insulting me while I took his order perfectly, I read it back to him, I prepared it the correct way, and yet it wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t gain a ‘Thank You’ or a ‘Have a nice day.’ but instead the man turned to his what I can only assume to be grandson and says ‘Well I guess he isn’t as stupid as we thought.’
Now sir I get it, you probably wanted to look cool for you’re grandson by being a total asshole. I let it slide because well you were old and hell, you’ve probably seen some shit. I’m just happy that I was the one you said this to. Despite my depressive tone I have in my writing sometimes, I am a person that would never harm themselves. Though you sir, you didn’t know that. I could have easily been on the edge of suicide and you’re comment could have pushed me over the edge.
Though why am I addressing this person like they’ll read it? I know they wont, but sometimes writing down feelings helps hurtle you over them. That is what I am hoping this will do for me.
I’m not out of this labyrinth, I’m still lost within it. I won’t let it defeat me though, I wont let it consume me.
This was a rather long post and one I didn’t expect to be inside my head, it’s funny what one word can possibly do. I hope you got this far and enjoyed it, if not then I apologize I hope the next piece will be much better.
And please come back, you haven’t nearly seen the best of me.
This is all part of LindaGHill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Hope you participate.