I go through these spurts of feeling lost within this world, like I’m losing my footing and the gravity will somehow disappear and I’ll just float away. It isn’t exactly scary as much as it is interesting, feeling as if at any moment you could just evaporate. When I feel this way I look back and try to remember what it felt like when I finally found the ground again. It took a long time to experience it for the first time, when I felt like I belong within this world.
I was probably sixteen the first time it had happened, I don’t blame anyone or anything for this though. My childhood wasn’t a bad one, I had a group of friends that had their moments where I felt like we belonged together. I had been bullied somewhat in school but it never quite dug it’s way into my psyche. It’s just that the world seemed so vast and mysterious. The things I did never really felt like me, going to church, playing first person shooter with friends, even talking to my family.
My neighborhood had these woods that were connected by a staircase, a man made trail took you through all the way to a swing set. I spent a lot of time in my childhood exploring those woods, I once spent an entire day lost within it. Even though I was lost through I felt at peace that day. I knew what I had to do that day I knew what had to be done, I had to get out of the woods. I had a goal and one that I knew I could achieve. Everything else in life is like a coin flip sometimes, maybe it’ll work but maybe it wont.
When I first felt like I belong it was within New York City, I was sitting on a bench within Rockefeller. The people moved past like a montage within a movie, looming shadows cast by the tall building gave everything a shaded look. There were eggs that kids from around the country had painted as a project, they were magnificent. I felt like I had within that forest that day when I was a kid. The millions of lives that pass each other on the streets intertwining without the knowledge of it. I felt as though I was connected to them all in someway, whether it be a glance or a smile given back to my own. It was amazing because I understood that this is what the world was, a mesh of people going about their lives and passing each other by. We all connect in someway though, this is what the universe was.
I never really felt that way again since that day, but I’ve never stopped trying to find it. I spend a lot of time reading in Barnes and Nobles just feeling at peace with the world as people pass by. I’ll find it, I always find that gravity never really leaves, or that I can’t evaporate, days pass on one by one. Someday the peace I find will stay with me, or at least come more frequently.