SoCS: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Walking-path

It’s hard when there are moments in life where everything feels out of place, you wake up late, you get to work exhausted, you try to talk to people but the place where words are supposed to appear is void. I have a lot of those moments, even when everything seems fine those moments still creep their way up upon me. It’s only there where everything else that happens usually intensifies the situation. A coworker not wanting to talk, a jackass customer who misinterprets your exhaustion for rudeness and proceeds to call you an asshole. (Calling you out son of a gun!)

I try to stay positive, because even with all of this happening around me, even if I sometimes feel like everything is falling, I can still believe that it’ll be positive someday. Hope can keep me going and even though every day is progress it feels like nothing has changed. Life spun out of control when I turned eighteen and somedays I still get dizzy, it happens less frequently at least.

I try not to waste life most of the time, but cat videos on youtube call out to me, that awesome anime I read about is dying to be watched. What if while I’m doing pointless stuff I miss out on purchasing a winning lotto ticket, finding that thing I’ve been looking for, or miss the chance to meet someone who has been waiting to meet me without knowing.

Perhaps it’s loneliness that has me feeling this way, I talked to a coworker today about relationships and how messy they are. I haven’t been in a real relationship for a good three years, that’s hard to believe sometimes. I do talk to people, I met this one girl a couple weeks ago and somehow carried out a decent conversation.

It’s frightening though that a relationship ends up one of two ways, either you break up, or you end up together forever. Even the positive chance is enough to give me anxiety, but no one ever mentions that it’s a fifty-fifty shot. We push each other unaware of what it entails, I’ve changed due to relationships, sometimes it was for the worse. Yet there were times where I met someone that made me want to strive to be better, be the best Wes that I can be.

So perhaps I’m lonely, maybe I enjoy having someone in my life that makes me want to push my limits every day. When it’s me, myself, and I, sometimes it feels as though that push is a nudge and if not that then a tap, and there are times when that isn’t enough. I’m not trying to say that I need someone, because I don’t. It may take me longer, but I’ll get where I need to be on my own. Sometimes all you can do is walk your path by yourself, hoping that one day that person shows up, and you decide it’s time to run instead of walk.

But damn, why does it have to be so lonely.

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Linda G Hill’s ‘Stream of Consciousness Saturday

socs-badge-2015

16 thoughts on “SoCS: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

  1. I echo these feelings too…it could be the loneliness. I do look forward to the positive days because they will be a lot brighter after the dark days.

  2. In my lonely years, it helped to focus on friendship and to remember that every relationship I was in taught me something to prepare me for the next level. But yeah, it can get lonely and I did take quite a few steps back for a while there. I bet there will be times in your future when you take TWO STEPS FORWARD and one step back. You might even be doing that now and not realize it, because your insight suggests you are making progress. So hang in there Wes. It gets better. And I love the photo on this post and I love your header!.

    • Haha thank you, I like to keep a level of optimistic within myself even on rough days. To me, nothing gets done if bad things are happening and you wallow in pessimistic views. Thank you as well for the header I actually drove like an hour out to this town to take the photo haha.

  3. Beautifully expressed, Wes. I struggle with relationships, and also struggle without them. I want me time, I want together time, I want to not have to talk, I want to talk until the sun comes up. Often, in the times when we are alone, it just feels so damned hard, because you realise then that it truly is just down to you. being in a relationship masks that truth, doesn’t it? Yes, hang on in there. The two steps forward no steps back days are there right now, it’s just that sometimes they are harder to see.

    • Thank you and you expressed exactly what I meant in your comment. I’m glad I’m not the only one who can feel this way but also be optimistic about what the future holds. Or in your case, whats already here but I’m too blind at the moment to notice.

  4. Very well written Wes. I told this to someone recently ‘I don’t *need* anyone in my life, but I *want* to share my life with someone compatible and until then I am happy to be on my own. Sometimes fighting our own demons and loneliness is better than having the wrong person in our lives’

  5. I can relate. It would be nice not to have to be lonely… I keep reminding myself that we tend to fall into relationships when we least expect to meet someone. You’re already half-way there since you meet people every day you go into work. You never know who’s going to walk through the door… 🙂

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