It’s hard when there are moments in life where everything feels out of place, you wake up late, you get to work exhausted, you try to talk to people but the place where words are supposed to appear is void. I have a lot of those moments, even when everything seems fine those moments still creep their way up upon me. It’s only there where everything else that happens usually intensifies the situation. A coworker not wanting to talk, a jackass customer who misinterprets your exhaustion for rudeness and proceeds to call you an asshole. (Calling you out son of a gun!)
I try to stay positive, because even with all of this happening around me, even if I sometimes feel like everything is falling, I can still believe that it’ll be positive someday. Hope can keep me going and even though every day is progress it feels like nothing has changed. Life spun out of control when I turned eighteen and somedays I still get dizzy, it happens less frequently at least.
I try not to waste life most of the time, but cat videos on youtube call out to me, that awesome anime I read about is dying to be watched. What if while I’m doing pointless stuff I miss out on purchasing a winning lotto ticket, finding that thing I’ve been looking for, or miss the chance to meet someone who has been waiting to meet me without knowing.
Perhaps it’s loneliness that has me feeling this way, I talked to a coworker today about relationships and how messy they are. I haven’t been in a real relationship for a good three years, that’s hard to believe sometimes. I do talk to people, I met this one girl a couple weeks ago and somehow carried out a decent conversation.
It’s frightening though that a relationship ends up one of two ways, either you break up, or you end up together forever. Even the positive chance is enough to give me anxiety, but no one ever mentions that it’s a fifty-fifty shot. We push each other unaware of what it entails, I’ve changed due to relationships, sometimes it was for the worse. Yet there were times where I met someone that made me want to strive to be better, be the best Wes that I can be.
So perhaps I’m lonely, maybe I enjoy having someone in my life that makes me want to push my limits every day. When it’s me, myself, and I, sometimes it feels as though that push is a nudge and if not that then a tap, and there are times when that isn’t enough. I’m not trying to say that I need someone, because I don’t. It may take me longer, but I’ll get where I need to be on my own. Sometimes all you can do is walk your path by yourself, hoping that one day that person shows up, and you decide it’s time to run instead of walk.
But damn, why does it have to be so lonely.
Linda G Hill’s ‘Stream of Consciousness Saturday‘